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I have eaten
the paste
that was in
the feed store

and which
you were probably
for horses

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“you’re not in love with me. you’re in love with the idea of me,” the concept of New York explains in plaintive tones to a man in an I ❤️ NYC shirt

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gonna get elected to the state senate just so I can get a bill passed to change the signs posted at the state line from "[state] welcomes you" to "[state] is indifferent to your presence, much like the universe"

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@dankwraith the joke question “why are men like this?” isn’t actually rhetorical, and the answers aren’t particularly funny

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The great rot at the heart of American society is our belief that, at the end of the day, we owe nothing to one another.

if a dril post was printed on aoc's met gala dress, which would it be?

a thing my family does that is baffling if you don’t have the context: if you loudly crack your knuckles, neck, etc., we will respond with the phrase “snap, crackle, mitch, and pop”

carbon fiber footprint. it looks sick as hell

"money doesnt buy happiness" is not a useful adage in a world where most peoples immediately pressing problems can be solved easily with money

when I was a kid they tried to scare us with talk about how “the internet is forever” but let’s be real, shit disappears real fast if it isn’t making somebody money

I do not feel strongly about the office. it is fine. this phrase, however, will live with me forever

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a hilarious self own: I had a podcast before most of you knew what podcasts were

I won second place in radio speaking at a regional speech and debate tournament freshman year, so yeah, I’d say I’m a pretty good podcast guest

don't have to burn the candle at both ends if you just engulf it with the output of your flamethrower


Soy to the world!
Tofu has come
let Earth receive her beans

get the fuck off the internet is actually some good advice that you just couldn’t take. who would have thought? it figures

consider the following scenario:

It's five to ten years from now. you are sitting in a lovely restaurant, enjoying a lovely meal, when I walk in, accompanied by your wife.

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