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I don't boost selfies cause, I dunno, it feels weird to me, but I fav just about every one I see come across my timeline. you got a face? hell yeah, I love that for you

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“do you expect me to talk?”

“no, mr. bond. I expect you to dye. this is an adult learning annex fiber arts class, and you’re being very disruptive”

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you’re a temporarily embarrassed millionaire.
I’m a temporarily inconvenienced skeleton.
we are not the same

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I have eaten
the paste
that was in
the feed store

and which
you were probably
for horses

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The great rot at the heart of American society is our belief that, at the end of the day, we owe nothing to one another.

Ok, Everyone do your part and put a flag emoji in your Twitter handle.

This is what we've been training for.

what? no. we can’t stop here. the vibes are bad

correcting someone’s song parody joke lyrics is a block on sight for me at this point

You went to Stacy's after school
Her mom was standing by the pool
Her beauty and the chlorine overthrew ya
She had just a towel on
And asked you if you'd mow their lawn
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

please refer to it as a restroom, water closet, or toilet, if you must. only a small set of Johns enjoy being shat on

some days I feel literally incapable of taking anything seriously, but I’m hilarious so I’m sure it’s not off putting to my friends and loved ones

i think humans evolved specifically to possess the versatility and adaptability to play tag with all the other animals of the earth and we've egregiously overstepped our biological mandate.

are you there, god? It's me, a second, much more horrifyingly powerful god

if you are american you do have a moral obligation to oppose all your country's wars actually

the Oscars should take a cue from the #MovieBowl and have eight noms in each category competing in three voting rounds, and just make a fucking weekend out of it, this shit is already sports for movie nerds anyhow

Knives Out is probably one of my favorite movies of all time: I love a story with a mystery, and it's a good one; I love a private detective solving a mystery, and they solve it perfectly; and I love a cool looking setting, and that house is bonkers

I haven’t seen The Lighthouse, but the out of context bits people are taking about sound *wild*

I suspect foul play. I have eliminated no suspects.

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