Pinned toot

I can promise you that something special is gonna happen when I finally hit 50 followers. I don't wanna spoil the surprise but it will probably involve massive disappointment for all my followers due to my lack of planning & general ineptitude when it comes to any level of responsibility.

Anyway, follow for more even moments of disappointment.

Pinned toot

If I make jokes that seem hopeless about the future and you wonder if I really believe that, the answer is yes but like in a fun way

Isn't it weird that "lol" and "Lol" read differently?

I'm sorry if I ever delete a toot right after making it. I'm just testing to make sure that my stupidity is still intact, sometimes multiple times.

It is.

Ancestor: Another successful hunt, I will be nourished for the time being. Only too soon will I be forced to push my body to its breaking point yet again for nourishment.

Me: Why can't I find my can opener, I'm going to starve to death

Unless it's a service dog there's absolutely no way that I will not try to pet your dog. I'm sorry but it's a medical condition.

Me: Are there any spirits in this house that wish to communicate?

Ghost: ᴵ'ᵐ ʰᵉʳᵉ

Me: Woah

Ghost: ᴵ'ᵐ ʰᵉʳᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵗᵃˡᵏ

Me: Yes spirit, I'm listening

Ghost: I'm here to talk to you about your car's extended warranty

Me: I will email myself a reminder so I absolutely won't forget.

[cut to one week later]

Me (texting therapist): Hey the reminder I sent myself just said "Therapy on the 24th" but I can remember why.

Wine glasses are so dumb. It's just getting another dish dirty for no reason. Think of the planet, drink straight from the bottle.

It's the time of year where you see ads for dog costumes everywhere, yet none for cats. This is not because cat owners don't wish to dress up their furry friend, it's that we favor having our blood on the inside where it belongs.

based on a true story 

Me (to myself): Ugh, fuck me

Alexa: Okay, here's "Big fart"

Alexa: [loud fart noise]

Alexa: Try asking me for a "ketchup fart", or say "random"

Me: ...

Alexa: Try asking me for a "ketchup fart", or say "random"

Me: ...No.

Alexa. Okay! Would you like to rate "Big Fart"?

Just gonna throw this out there that if someone were to start working on a Smart Guillotine now, they would be ahead of the curve.

Me: Gotta sleep for tomorrow

My Brain: Taranten Querantino

Little known fact but the Joker actually has a twin brother named Earnest. He also dresses like a clown but is a successful accountant in Chicago.

Use "Dammit, the serum isn't working!" the next time you want to distract from a blunder you made in public.

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Oh, you were waving to the person behind me. Sorry. Well, this is awkward.

INTERVIEWER: Give me of an example of the last time you optimized a daily process

ME: Well this morning my body wanted to make poo just from the smell of my coffee

INTERVIEWER: not.....the answer was expecting but okay

Pretty mean to write a kids song about an elderly man who destroyed his sleeping arrangement by knocking himself unconscious for hours.

I was bitten by a radioactive failure as a child

If I ever had a kid, I would start a journal when they were born and write down every traumatic thing that happens to them then I'd give it to them at their graduation and say "Here you go, take this to therapy with you, it's like cheat sheets for all the exams"

in a world of sheep i am a gassy disgruntled goat

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