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The next time you put on a pair of pants, I hope you think "oh god why did that weird guy on Mastodon make that status about hoping I'd think this".

Therapist: how are you?

Me: (internally) absolutely fucking falling apart, my life is a crisis

Me: haha fuckin slaying it

Therapist: Jonny we've been over this, just because you say "internally" first doesn't mean that I can't hear you, that's not how thinking works

I was human once, it sucked. wait, shit, it's still going on

I do not use any tech with no encryption. I don't do drive thrus, thers now at that voice protocol is encrypted properly. I also do not speak out loud, because that is also plain text.

Firing Squad Captain: Any last words?

Me: Penis fort

Captain: [lowers gun] Wait, say more

I wonder if IT gets notified every time I try to kill the antivirus from the task manager. It never works, I don't have admin. It's just therapeutic for me.

I love casting because it's like bribing the compiler.

"Here's something in paren, how bout you look the other way til runtime"

Just saw a dude wearing a shirt that said "My favorite princess calls me 'daddy'" and I dunno if it's about his daughter liking Disney or if he's just into role play.

Me: omg [giggles] I'm so nervous, it's my first it gonna hurt?

Tattoo artist: Yeah, actually, like a fuckton

You can't escape your destiny, which is why I've just decided not to have one.

"The salt from your tears will season my jerky" is a pretty good line to use in an argument imho

I want a pure kind of love. I want a love that appreciates all my spreadsheets.

I keep seeing bikes without tires locked up downtown, they should just team up with the people who only have tires and like trade weekends

The first thing you should always do when facing a problem is determine if it can be solved by an orbital thermonuclear strike.

Because if it can't, you should probably just give up and enjoy however much time you have left before whatever can survive an orbital thermonuclear strike murders the ever-living fuck out of you.

My coworker -whose desk is right in front of me facing me- sent me a snippet if his notes in a thing then immediately stood up and was like "UM there's a part in there that's says 'also remember to click save, you dunce', that part was me referring to me. That's not meant for you."

And that's how I learned that magic exists

Yahoo answers

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I'm gonna miss yahoo answers. There were so many great answers. Like once someone asked "how do surge protectors work?" And the top answer was "idk magic probably".

Have a good day and try not to think about how you eat ketchup warm when it's from packets and cold when from a bottle.

Just happened in the grocery store:

Man (as he walks up to me): "hey" [gestures to auto section] "if you were to use something instead of brake fluid, what would you use? like a quick fix?"

Me: "what? I....uh, I have no idea, I'm so bad with cars"

Man: [looks me up and down] "bad with clothes, too"

If my calculations are correct Con𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻tinople becoming I𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻bul means that next it will be shorted to just "Stan"

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