Pinned toot

I can promise you that something special is gonna happen when I finally hit 50 followers. I don't wanna spoil the surprise but it will probably involve massive disappointment for all my followers due to my lack of planning & general ineptitude when it comes to any level of responsibility.

Anyway, follow for more even moments of disappointment.

Thinking of getting a Roomba as a pet for my cat, not sure if he's ready for that responsibility.

It was the bratbest of times, it was the bratwurst of times.

Date: It's just, when you said you'd cook for us, this isn't what I was expecting.

Me [as I push the tab in the slot on the Hot Pocket sleeve]: what's wrong?

I want to see a show with Gordon Ramsay doing sex ed.

Ramsay: Hey dick for brains! You think this is how you use a condom?! It's like you're not even wearing it! You going to get someone pregnant like that!

Person: But Chef–


I'm thinking of getting this as a custom welcome mat, thoughts?

OC and you'll never guess at what hour of the night I thought it up

I like to ask Alexa stupid questions with a thick accent so hopefully it thinks I just associate with stupid people instead of being one.

The washer has been on 1 minute remaining for 5 minutes, so now I know that this is why it always seems like it takes forever just to do one load of wash. My appliances are gaslighting me, what the fuck.

I got so angry at the chicken in my breakfast that I was too pissed to have an appetite so I skipped lunch.

If your mother was a vampire and your father was a human would you be 50% translucent when you look in a mirror or like would your skin just be see through?

tbh the majority of living with cats is them annoyedly meowing at you for something and you annoyedly responding "i don't know wtf you want" until the next time you both take a nap

It's only Existentialism if it comes from the Existential region of France, otherwise it's just sparkling Nihilism.

If I ever think I may not have anything to talk about in therapy that week, I just spend a few minutes alone with my thoughts and boom, the reservoir's full again.

I hear people saying "eat the rich" more & more lately and I gotta say, I was really relieved when we learned that Trump is actually broke cause I've really been trying to cut down on the junk food.

"Theoretically a benevolent dictatorship is a solid system, let down only by the total lack of benevolent dictators."

The hardest part about social distancing is when the people around you don't do it right. The sign says "stay 6 feet apart", not 7 or 8 or 9, so stop moving away from me every time I try to close that gap.

I wish time travel existed so that I could pay my 20 year old self to do projects that present self doesn't want to put the time into

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