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The next time you put on a pair of pants, I hope you think "oh god why did that weird guy on Mastodon make that status about hoping I'd think this".

"At least it's not a Prod deploy," I mutter to myself. "It could have been a Prod deploy". The broken piece of shit excuse for a CLI mocks me as I troubleshoot deployment problems on day 115 as human CI/CD.

God: Before I tell you where you're going to spend all eternity, you may ask me one question on literally anything.

Me: Why'd you have to go and make cheese so constipating?

Sick of the cheese from my taco bell falling off, gonna ask them to put the toppings on in reverse order

Detective: where were you last friday night?

Me: I was home, alone, with my cats

Detective: lol fucking nerd

I do eat plant-based food. I just like to add tasty, tasty meat on top of that food.

There is no room for MLP in communism, it must become Our Little Pony

Me: I've prepared a classic dish of my people, "Room temp soup straight out of the can"

Cooking show judge: Where are you from again?

Me: I come from a long line of depressed motherfuckers

*answering machine beep*
Hi, you've reached Jonny, I can't come to the phone right now because I am losing my shit. Please leave a message and I'll try to eventually get around to maybe calling you back.

Don't believe the lies, cauliflower is broccoli ghosts & their unfinished business is that you never ate them when you were 9

the game is rigged against some of us, ladies and gents. don't buy into into the grift, just adopt 30 cats and move to the forest. one that's near a mini golf course you can haunt, if available.

Air conditioning was invented in 1902 and here we are almost 120 years later and we STILL don't have air shampoo, it's utterly ridiculous

The real answer to "how are you?" Is "there are a thousand ways to answer that depending on how I think you want to hear it"

[on stage at a concert]
This next song goes out to all the people who told me that I would never achieve my dreams.

It's called "You Were Right"

Weird Al's full name is actually
Weird Alfredo "with white sauce" Yankovic.

Next reboot to get the dark and gritty "Nolanized" 

Goof Troop

I am rebranding to a different (less obnoxious?) avatar but rest assured, you can still expect the same level of mediocrity you've come to grow and "meh" at.

Me: My superpower is that I take everything personally.

Nick Fury: That doesn't sound like a superpower.

Me: How could you say something so hurtful?

am good at conversation, watch:

hello what do you consider Garfield canon?

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