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The next time you put on a pair of pants, I hope you think "oh god why did that weird guy on Mastodon make that status about hoping I'd think this".

Have a good day and try not to think about how you eat ketchup warm when it's from packets and cold when from a bottle.

Just happened in the grocery store:

Man (as he walks up to me): "hey" [gestures to auto section] "if you were to use something instead of brake fluid, what would you use? like a quick fix?"

Me: "what? I....uh, I have no idea, I'm so bad with cars"

Man: [looks me up and down] "bad with clothes, too"

If my calculations are correct Con𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻tinople becoming I𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻bul means that next it will be shorted to just "Stan"

I'm looking for a job as an indoor wall. I'm not very good at standing very still or keeping out the elements, but I've got a good work ethic.

I have an extension of String Theory that I call Scream Theory in which "vibrations" are actually anguished screams because even on a quantum level existence 𝙨𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙨 𝙨𝙤 𝙗𝙖𝙙

I would like to work, but I keep getting interrupted by work messages

I have two cats and their names are Cat 1 and Cat 2.

hahaha just kidding, those aren't their real names, that would be stupid. Their real names are Cat 3 and Cat 4

The fucking nerve of a "thought exercise", as if I would let any form of exercise into my brain.

The next time I get a spam caller and they ask "is this Jonny?" I'm gonna respond "I'm Malcom in the Middle of something, call back later", then hang up.

Repeat when they call back.

I was possessed by an evil spirit and lost control of my body and mind, when I woke up I found this opened up in Illustrator.

Sure, Bloody Mary is scary, but I think Bloodless Mary would be even scarier. No blood? I'm not a sciencedoctor but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to have at least some blood.

You can save money on costly saltshakers by simply asking the salt to evenly distribute itself.

I hate when someone asks me why I'm anxious about something and I'll say "I'm just kind of paranoid about it" and they respond with a confused look and "okay but why?"

Because I want so badly to give them a link to the definition of "paranoid" but that is not easily done over spoken word.

Respect is earned. For example, you can earn my respect by casually slipping me a giant wad of cash.

I have decided to run for office of the President of the United States. I won't be of age until the 2029 election but I will start accepting bribes now.

I think "eat my hentai-loving ass" in the middle of an intense verbal sparring is a good way to introduce some completely out of context authority

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