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Friend: What's your spirit animal

Me: An ox, because I'm very clever

Friend: I think you mean's "clever as a fox"

Me: Oh. Then in that case, I'm an ox, because I'm not clever.

We are all just people walking around with bagels in our hands only most of the time the number of bagels is 0

I have a vivid memory of being around 14 and just launching my flip flop while swinging as high as I could and watching in slow motion as it came down a couple dozen yards away directly onto the head of a small child.

I still feel horrible about it and wish I had acted different but at the same time, holy shit get owned, sniped bitch, absolute kill of the game

haven't seen any headlines about guys vaping their gamer girl bath water so we still got a little further we can fall

Prosecutor: Where were you the night of the murder?

Me: I was with my girlfriend.

Prosecutor: Interesting. And that person is?

Me: You wouldn't know her, she goes to another school.

If a Lord of the Rings is not a legitimate measurement of time for you, there is a limitation on just how good of friends we can be.

Therapist: I fear you've picked up unhealthy interpersonal habits from your parents.

Me: *leans in* how much do I gotta buy you to make this up to you

Anything I say before 10AM should not be admissable in court because it's basically sleepwalking.

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Hi welcome to the first episode of Jonny's Fan Reviews

Alright this first one is a pretty standard fan. You'll notice the whooshiness is pretty standard for fans, which you would expect from a standard fan such as this. Now, as for the soundiness,

What morning people fail to understand is that there is a difference between being awake and being conscious, and some of us wake up at 7 but aren't conscious til 10.

I wish I could adopt 2,000 cats that I could use to crush the strongholds of my enemies, but I would need to get enough space for 2,000 cats. And enemies.

Name your kid "Lorem Ipsum" to fuck with them for their entire life if they go into tech.

Vampire: May I come in?

Me: Well okay but only if you promise to kill me

My pronouns are he/him and my verbs are sleep/cry.

I literally just teared up thinking about eating the cheese curds I ordered so I'd say my emotional center is not quite (0,0)

Me: Do you hate me? I feel like you absolutely despise me.

Friend: What? No, I love you, you're my friend. You haven't done anything wrong and I'm certainly not mad.

Me: Well obviously you loathe me so much that you're being sarcastic.

Me: According to the.multiverse theory, there exists a realty in which the spacetime continuum underwent a series of a events that had a different outcome. Unfortunately, we do not live in that universe. However, I believe that Einstein's theory of special relativity implies–

Boss: please just say you're late like a person

Does anybody else feel like they're distant enough that their emotional needs are not being met but social enough that it's energetically and psychologically taxing and you're left with barely enough energy just to get through the day much less try to find deeper emotional connection?

Because if you do, I've been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty

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