Mark Taylor @markstaylor@mas.to

No wonder moving house was so bloody hard.

Rewatching Life on Mars. Spent ages trying to work out where I’d seen the actor playing Malone before and then realised I was thinking of Gene from Wreck-It Ralph.

Give us this day our daily oven baked yeast cookery

I was wondering about how much total human experience happens in a single second so I put '7.7 billion seconds' into Wolfram Alpha and it ruined the profundity

Managed to use up an entire bar of soap without breaking it or dropping it down the plughole. I expect to be elevated to the House of Lords by the afternoon.

‘If you’re a whizz at maths’

Very much enjoyed the BBC His Dark Materials adaptation, but not sure I can forgive it for adding a sinister overtone to my son’s adorable snowsuit.

Personally I just try not to leave any amount up there.

Much of infant behaviour is an enigma, but crying and screaming while continuing to shovel pasta into their mouth with their hands is extremely relatable.

Searching for and blocking everyone who posts ‘Happy 2020’ at 20 past

Just discovered I’ve booked the 2nd and 3rd off work. Thanks, past Mark!

My fitness tracker has just congratulated me on setting a two-week personal best for number of steps taken. It does not understand Christmas.

Brexit was inevitable. We just don’t share Europe’s passion for ham.

Gave blood successfully! Then immediately fainted when I started reading the leaflet about fainting.

If my campaign of posting a turd in a Jiffy bag to every constituency office is pissing off all sides, I must be doing something right.

Labour folk on all sides are so busy rushing to defend their preexisting positions that they can’t see the obvious truth: we would have won if we had promised to nationalise sausages.

So when a Conservative PM whose main political interest is self-promotion wins a majority reliant on working-class voters in northern towns by making an undeliverable promise to make Brexit go away, what the hell happens next? Because I have no clue.

So does Johnson actually have any kind of ideological project he’ll use this win to implement, or can we expect five years of government driven solely by his immense vanity?

Might go and hide in the fridge.

ELECTION NIGHT TIP: Trying to get a baby to sleep provides excellent cover for pacing up and down a room nervously waiting for the exit poll.