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On the gifts we think we've given and the ones we don't know we received.
A thread on gratitude… and power.
1/21
#Hierarchy #Society #Meritocracy #Success #Competing #Generosity #Gratitude #ActuallyAutistic (me)
Story 1:
When I was a student, my mother gave me £5,000 towards my tuition fees.
A few years later. I knew she’d given me money, but I couldn't remember how much. Was it a thousand? Two, maybe?
2/21
I asked her. It was £5,000.
From then on I’ve kept a note of when I receive gifts… just in case I forget, or prevaricate.
I also make a point of mentioning to people that I remember and appreciate what they gave me (even though I've noticed it can create a complicated 'power differential' situation. But this is my revolution lol, and I'm sticking to it!)*
3/21
*Please can you let me know in the comments if you've given me a gift that I've failed to acknowledge ho-hum 
Story 2:
My flatmate was going to a festival with friends.
He packed up his van. He’d bought two cases of wine.
He knew I liked wine. He also knew I had no wish to go to any festivals.
4/21
While he was away, I went to the shop and got groceries, plus a bottle of red wine to drink a glass of each evening.
On his return, he saw the half full bottle of wine, and said happily, “Oh, you found the wine!”
5/21
I looked blank.
He looked puzzled.
“Oh,” he said (awkward pause), “Did you buy that wine?”
I nodded and smiled, a bit confused.
6/21
He started opening the cupboards, “I left you a bottle, I'm sure of it!” (opening and closing doors noisily).
Spoiler: he didn’t leave me a bottle. He just thought he had. 
7/21
I didn't expect to be left a bottle of wine, he didn't need to do that (though it would’ve been lovely!).
I did a lot of the cooking & tidying for the house. Maybe he thought of the wine as a ‘thank you’?
8/21
But the interesting thing was, how convinced he was that just by having thought it…. he had done it!
This intrigued me.
9/21
Story 3:
My partner and I had been for dinner at two friends’ house.
They’d cooked us a lovely 3-course meal, which we greatly enjoyed.
10/21
Later on, my partner and I were sitting on the sofa having a cup of tea.
He said to me, “Weren't John & Helen (fictitious names) so happy to have us this evening? It meant so much to them. I think they're isolated”
11/21
I sat up and looked at him, a bit like this: 
When my Paddington stare didn’t kill him, I said “How would you feel?”
Him: “Huh?”
12/21
Me: “Okay, imagine you just made a gorgeous 3-course meal for them, they came and enjoyed it & our company. And then, as they walked by the window, you overheard them saying what you just said.”
13/21
To his credit, after thinking for a moment or two he looked a bit horrified and said, “I wouldn't like that at all.”
I then asked him how much he enjoyed the dinner, on a scale of one to ten. And he said nine.
14/21
And I said, a lot more gently now, “Yeah. Me too. So, hey, I guess we're actually feeling quite thankful to them…”
What's the message here?
15/21
I became very interested in this phenomenon of us people:
1. Thinking we did not receive gifts when we did,
2. Believing we gave gifts when we didn’t.
Why would we do that?
16/21
We live in a highly competitive culture.
Where vulnerability is a thing to be ashamed of, and strength is admired.
To give gifts is admirable.
To receive gifts (perhaps especially if you have very little yourself) is debasing, even humiliating….
17/21
A study recently showed that toddlers prefer rich people to poor people. They treat them preferentially.
They learned this somewhere.
Our culture teaches that we deserve what we get.
18/21
*Psychology Today. (2024). Toddlers Treat Rich People Better Than Poor People. [online] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychology-tomorrow/202409/toddlers-treat-rich-people-better-than-poor-people.
The poor, the rich… well, I think it's self-explanatory.
No wonder no one wants to admit, not even to themselves, that we’ve received gifts from others. Those memories & thoughts get quickly swept under the carpet and forgotten.
19/21
While we put up on a pedestal, and frequently make reference to, both to others & inside our own minds, the gifts we’ve given - even the ones we only gave in thought, and never in real life.
We want to feel big, strong, and generous.
20/21
Not like poor beggars, who need things other people might give us.
And feel… grateful 
End of
21/21
@KatyElphinstone
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yes, I’m sure that toddler business is easily explained
Unfortunately...yes 
@KatyElphinstone
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my default now is not to believe them 
@KatyElphinstone For most of my adult life, I've been consciously trying to master graciously accepting gifts and kindnesses, AS A KINDNESS TO THE GIVER, rather than as the lazy arse who just takes everything on a plate.
It does create trickiness around self-worth (cf, lazy arse comment - it's still there, in my consciousness, as an anxiety), but I know what it's like to have a gift rebuffed, and my goal is to grant other people the boost of feeling like you did something good for someone.
I'd imagine a large part of why it creates problems around self-worth, could be due to others' reactions?
We are not good at either giving or receiving gracefully.
I witnessed the graceful acceptance and giving of gifts when among the Bushmen in the Kalahari.
It was beautiful. When receiving gifts they were simply happy. It made such an impression on me.
It made me also start to understand, as an #autistic person, how I came to hate the words 'thank you', 'please' and 'sorry'.
It is almost impossible to say any of those three words, in our culture, without some load and burden of meaning.... and manipulation. Or subordination. Or powerplay of some kind.
Plah.
P.s. I think your heightened & conscious awareness of the fact that the happy receiving of their gifts is a gift itself - to the giver... is beautiful, by the way...
(I've been mulling this one over ... sometimes it takes me a minute to absorb what other people say, for which, my apologies).
@KatyElphinstone Thank you! No apologies necessary! Being mulled over is a compliment in itself!
