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Here's a message for parents: If your kid is autistic *TELL THEM*.
I get so sad reading stories of people who struggled thinking they were morally broken until they found out they were different, only to discover that others had the word that explained things, but didn't want to share it.
Nobody catches autism by being told they are autistic. It doesn't make you more autistic. It just lets you know you are different, not defective.
@joelle my missus spends a big chunk of her time doing paediatric ADOS assessments. The range of parental responses is surreal from ‘my child cannot possibly be #autistic’ thru to ‘my child is definitely autistic’ - often entirely disassociated from the reality. The accompanying parental actions can be deeply unhelpful and even harmful.
Antonius Marie 
@JimmyB @joelle Some years ago (before my DX but after my spouse's) I brought up to my sister that my oldest nephew might be autistic. She firmly told me that there was "nothing wrong" with him.
(thankfully at this point I think she's realised that she wasn't being ... appropriate about it, and while my nephew hasn't had an evaluation, it's because while he agrees with my assessment that he's probably autistic ... he doesn't want to deal with the "official" right now)
My son (age 23, not autistic, probably ADHD like me) seems to have a friendship group who nearly all are autistic. However, several do not want a DX because of the implications for overseas travel and work.
Makes complete sense to me.
@JimmyB Yeah, that's why I care more to make sure that he (and his brother and cousins) are aware that they're not broken, and maybe some coping mechanisms, than the piece of paper saying they're autistic.
We're not physically in the same space often (1-2 a year), but during that time we talk a lot. And not uncommonly we talk about everything and nothing (which has led to me sharing stories from my childhood and them going "... how did no one realise you were autistic?" <.<)
@melindrea Right! The 'not broken' piece is so important for autistic kids (and adults probably). Different, for sure. In need of mechanisms for dealing with an NT world - definitely. Broken? Not at all.
@JimmyB Yeah, that's one of two things that I talk about *a lot*
1) I lived up until I was 40 thinking that I was "broken", because everyone else *obviously* have the same challenges I do, and *they* can handle it! (no ... no they don't. Most *really* don't <.<)
2) I'm still not fully sure who I am underneath the mask, and I've been working on that since '22 ... I've been "playing a role" my entire life, without ever even *realising* it, and early on I had this deepseated fear that ... what if I unmask fully and realise that there's nothing left? That the true me died years ago? At this point I'm pretty sure that's not true (part of my core self is wanting to be kind and do least harm--not to people-please/avoid "offense" but to avoid *hurting* others) but it's still a scary ghost <.<
@melindrea I'veheard so much about girls masking their autism really successfully.
My big sis is seeking a DX right now - aged 57. She's convinced but the challenge is the DX criteria are clear: you cannot acquire autism. You are born autistic. However, in a world where girls mask, the DX process doesn't work brilliantly, because parents will say, rightly, that their daughter didn't show autistic traits as a child.
So for her this is a problem: she presented 100% NT until later in life.
@JimmyB the drs (and parents? <.<) she's dealing with are ableist assholes.
I can 100% say that she didn't present allistic, and I don't even know her ;)
But yeah. There's *so* much stereotypes going around. And too many refuse to recognise that autism isn't "what others can perceive". Yes, part of it can occasionally be perceived by others ... but it's what it looks like from *our side* that really matters.
Part of the masking-for-girls also splashes onto other groups, for similar reasons: we're raised (whether intentionally or not) to handle other people's (the "more important ones") feelings. Which means making *us* less, and smaller, and do what makes others feel comfortable, even if we suffer for it (now to be clear: I'm not saying that those raised as white boys *never* end up being taught those lessons, just that it's a different thing for people perceived as girls, or in other ways "marginalized").
@melindrea Well in my sis's case, she has multiple, serious mental health issues too, so working out what is really going on, is very difficult. In her case, she really does want a diagnosis whether it is accurate or not, because it helps her cope with the world.
I don't think that's a massive problem TBH, though if she is not autistic (and I've no idea) then misdiagnosis as a kind of support won't really do too much for her and isn't great for people who are autistic.
It's really difficult.
@JimmyB @melindrea I only got my diagnosis by cutting my mother out the diagnostic process. My older sister did mine for the psychiatric services but hasn’t gone down that route herself. I was referred by my GP, seen by a psychiatrist in 6 weeks and on medication for my ADHD the week after. The GP was within a whisker of asking for me to be hospitalised (it could have been short cycle bipolar) but my son had already been through his auADHD diagnosis with me and as soon as I read that sheet I knew. So I was very willing. I am not going to say it’s been easy but it is definitely the right diagnosis for me. I’m not prescriptive about what others choose to do. I’m the only person inside me, so I’m just trying to stay alive and live a life of value to me. That, for me, includes empathy for my sister who has a range of crap to deal with of her own (including living 5 minutes drive from mum).
"(including living 5 minutes drive from mum)"
Exactly: each of us has to manage a path, and we need empathy and support sometimes to stay on it.
@JimmyB @melindrea I hear you. Go well, friend, I need to start my week. 
@JimmyB Yeah, autism is hard enough to find with "just" the average trauma that we live with due to *gestures at the world in general* ... add other things and it gets even murkier!
And I'd say that whether misdiagnosis is a problem ... Well, that depends *a lot*. If she has, say, five of the seven traits, then honestly? Any coping mechanisms and whatnots that work for either of those five traits *will likely work for her*.
If she's on the fediverse, tell her to follow the hashtag and the group. Because even if she *isn't* autistic, some of our tips & tricks might help, if she's got particular issues.
@melindrea Yes! Exactly. I don't think it's such a big problem with someone with her issues to have this one wrong, compared with the trauma of daily living.
Misdiagnosis? Well - suboptimal maybe, but not the hill to die on. And actually - she might well be autistic so...fine! She definitely thinks she is and just respecting that, helps her. So this is a conversation I would never have with her - because it just wouldn't help. If she says she's autistic - I don't argue. Fine.